Blog - Lara Wolf

What’s Going On in a Teenager’s Brain

As the renowned psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel explains so well in his book Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, the adolescent brain—particularly the prefrontal cortex, which governs organization, task initiation, and impulse control—is still undergoing intense restructuring, and each child does so at their own pace.

What we observe, therefore, is often not deliberate laziness, but rather the maturation process of what are known as executive functions. While these functions are maturing, you may notice difficulties with initiating tasks, planning and organizing, working memory, time management, impulse control, emotional regulation, and flexibility of thought. By the way: comparing a child’s maturation process to that of a sibling or classmate who "was already doing this or that at the same age" does not speed it up. We do not help a child catch up on development that is not yet on the horizon by making silent or vocal comparisons. Instead, we may be giving them yet another reason to believe that they are not okay just the way they are.

Neurological immaturity, however, doesn’t explain everything. Hidden within it is often an emotional response that we parents tend to label as sassiness, backtalk, or even insolence. You can look at it that way, but first answer this question: Does seeing my child this way calm me down or frustrate me even more? If the answer is the latter, then perhaps a different perspective on what’s going on beneath the surface for your child will offer you some comfort.

Perhaps it’s a case of feeling overwhelmed or a neurological block when faced with unpleasant tasks—something the child can’t quite put into words. Perhaps it’s a fear of failure so great that it’s easier not to try at all than to try and fail. Perhaps it’s simply that they can only feel some sense of control over their life when they refuse your requests, even if that’s a worse choice for them in the long run.

And perhaps, instead of counting all the things the child hasn’t done, it would sometimes be more helpful to look at what they do manage to see through to the end. Not just so we don’t diminish their achievements, but because the very thing that helped them at that moment may hold part of the answer that could benefit them in other areas as well.

One thing is clear. You won’t discover any of these reasons with yet another weary reminder about shoes in the hallway.

Understanding and Demands Are Not Opposites

I imagine you’re thinking right now that I’m urging you to stop demanding that your child fulfill their responsibilities. No.

Your desire to raise your child to be a responsible, hardworking person is entirely justified, and that goal remains. Shifting your perspective from "they have to do it, whether they want to or not" to "I’m curious why they’re resisting this so much" isn’t giving in or a step toward permissive parenting. It’s simply a matter of understanding that understanding and demanding are not opposites. You can show a sincere interest in what’s going on inside your child while still setting a boundary that they must fulfill their duty. The difference is that resistance to such a boundary will likely be smaller, and the path to a better relationship will be shorter.

That’s why I invite you, the next time you find yourself boiling over because of your child’s "laziness," to try replacing judgment with curiosity. "What is so difficult for them about the task they’re refusing to do?" And take it a step further: "Who or what can help them complete their duties a little more easily or quickly?"

The answer may not come right away. Chances are, they don’t even have one (yet). But this question, unlike all previous arguments, gives both of you hope. By asking it, you’re letting your child know that you see them as more than just their messy room. In the long run, this isn’t just about keeping shoes tidy—it’s about building trust that will last a lifetime.